At the heart of what we do at the Mulberry Bush is the development of authentic, meaningful relationships, with those who may be, understandably, deeply mistrustful. The qualities that these relationships, if successful, create in individuals, can last a lifetime and influence individuals to be able to live their best lives.
This is why relationships have been central to the work of the school since I started as a volunteer and remain so, now I am CEO. They are central also to the development of the charity’s services, – our Outreach, Consulting and Third Space services, training and supporting others to develop their understanding of how to successfully engage with those where others may have struggled. Hence I like the phrase; ‘its all about relationships’.
Prior to starting at the Mulberry Bush, having just left my job with a chartered surveying firm in London’s West End, I spent some time shadowing inspirational leaders in Glasgow and Strathclyde, Scotland. One clear memory is asking the head of an amazing residential special school for children with highly complex social and emotional mental health needs, how they knew when it was the right time for the child to move on? His answer was that he would not wish a child to move on until they felt they had been ‘truly touched’ by the work and their relationships with staff and children.
At a different time, I remember talking with inmates at a prison that was seeking accreditation as a therapeutic community. We were talking about a ‘break out’ that had happened that summer, following a sports day event that had been taking place outside the prison walls, – boundaried just by a rope. We had been speaking about the importance to the men of the relationship they had with the previous Governor, Nick, who left before the summer. I asked why the sports day worked for so many years with so little security and why it happened that summer. They said, – “well we’d never have done that to Nick!” Relationships are so important. Holding, containing, healing.
As a key worker, working in one of the households, I remember how it felt to develop these relationships with the children placed at the Bush. Working through the highs and lows of feeling let in, trusted and then rejected or attacked, time and again. As so many have said, relentlessly returning, trying again and again, just turning up and not getting ‘killed off’, can be the thing which leads to a trusted, authentic, healing bond. One child, aged 6, visiting our house at the start of his placement asked “will you give me 57 chances”?
I have attended over the last few weeks a number of events and settings in which I have met some amazing people, – from criminal justice, youth custody, children’s social care, schools, and health. What shines through is the quality of the relationships they seek, have and value with their staff and their clients and the work they are doing to reach out to people who are, often through no fault of their own, suspicious or resistant to getting close or letting others in. It is great that Relational Practice is becoming more prominent in training and practice across the sectors. The ‘Relational Practice Movement’ initiated by Rex Haigh and Nick Benefield is gathering traction: RPM
We certainly need to focus more on valuing the healing and holding nature of the relationships and I do worry that increasing regulation, bureaucracy, systemisation in our workplaces extinguishes space and time just to be alongside those we are working with and get to know them and them us. I am certainly concerned about the notion that by shaming people and organisations over what they get wrong, it is hoped and expected that something will improve. Our research shows that the ‘shame in the system’ is toxic. I don’t believe shaming helps. It is too easy to blame and shame.
This reminds me of a comment Dr Caryn Onions made when she first joined the school as Head of the Therapy Team, speaking about working with our children and understanding their behaviour – ‘you get more of what you talk about’. This certainly made me think about talking about the positives as much, if not more than the challenges.
It is central to our work across all the Mulberry Bush services. We focus on our relationships with one another, professionals, families, staff and children or whoever we are working with. We see behaviour as a communication of unmet need and look to work with this.
Through training, support, mentoring and coaching there are clear routes to helping develop knowledge and skills in this area of relationships and relational practice, but one area I always think has enormous potential is through Peer Review Networks.
Through these networks linking up like minded ‘critical professional friends’, there are so many opportunities to share best practice and to offer peer support and guidance to and from colleagues. Our SEMH Peer Review is very active and supports 10 schools who network and focus on quality improvement in their services.
Focus on training, ex-pupils work, anecdotal examples
Relationships also involves reaching outside the charity, and historically at The Mulberry Bush our reaching out has been within a narrower group of trusted, likeminded organisations and colleagues. Going beyond this group is more recent and reaching out to the Dfe, NHS England, Youth Justice and the Ministry of Justice is starting to connect us with these bodies who have national policy reach and sector control / influence. Feels more healthy. We hope we can share what we have learned and have influence here.
Recent graduates for our Level 4 Certificate in Therapeutic Childcare
Our most recent Attachment Aware Research Conference at Oxford Brookes University
At the other end of the spectrum, we have so much we can learn from our past pupils. We have over the past 6 or 7 years developed a past-pupils network and Advisory Group, where we share with them some of the challenges of developing the charity services. When reaching out to past pupils I am often struck by the articulate, gentle, polite, respectful quality of the communication. The way that ex-pupils show a warm, reflective quality, – an openness. If we ask about their best memories, – they are rarely the trips and ‘goodies’ we provided, but far more frequently it is the fun with others, the games, the people and the care, concern and love they experienced. The quality of the relationships.
We also involve past pupils in research and their new relationship with us is paying dividends. Just yesterday we had three past pupils joining our training team delivering training to our school, education, group living and therapies and networks staff team, where they were talking about the importance to them of relationships and how the ‘Bush’ touched them, often quite profoundly. A great experiential opportunity for us all.
We captured a lovely reflection from a past pupil. Kyle, when he was talking about what the Mulberry Bush and the relationships, he developed with staff meant to him.
You’ll hear him at the end of this short video of our past pupils open day in 2023, where he says, ‘they didn’t want to change who I am , – they worked with who I am’.
My thoughts at the end of writing this short blog are about the need to take risks in relationships. I certainly feel this whole blog is a risk. It lets others in and that certainly makes me feel uncomfortable. However, this is what we ask children placed with us at the school to do and is what we ask of students on many of our courses and trainings, so it is important that we model this also, – to risk change.
From a secure base, it feels more possible to reach out to others, risk rejection, in the hope that you will be seen, heard, found.
